When my son was 3, Grandpa got a tablet and my husband downloaded games like Mickey’s Castle of Illusions onto his smartphone. Before I knew it, my son was playing creepy sounding games and showing physical behaviors associated with the overstimulation of dopamine, such as increased agitation and a desire for games over everything else. Eventually, the focus of every day seemed to be when he could get on the tablet again. He hummed sinister sounding game music and talked non stop about them. This was not the childhood he deserved. Something had to change. So I created a plan to cure screen addiction.
I believe the “cold turkey” approach expects a changed behavior without allowing for development of new coping and soothing behaviors. When I was a teenager, I was struck by a friend’s story of when mom took his sibling’s bottles away. Mom set the bottles on the curb when the garbage truck came. The little girl chased the garbage truck down the street, crying. I didn’t want to create the kind of craving a sudden hole leaves, so I went about transitioning away from screens carefully.
Baby Steps
First, I began to store the tablet in an out of the way spot. I had started using the tablet for my illustration work, so I left the tablet in the garage where I work. The step of looking for it provided a natural barrier. I also set screen time limits on the device. After an hour of app use, it shuts down. I also blocked use of the internet entirely after my child stumbled upon something horrible, even though the child settings enabled. I do not recommend unsupervised net surfing.
I also made movies more accessible. I went to the library and regularly set new movies on the coffee table. Switching the focus to movies worked as a gentle step away from games. TV doesn’t have the same hold that games do, and the screen related behaviors are less pronounced. I suspect television is less dopamine stimulating than games are. This Washington Post article quotes “One 1998 study showed that video games raise the level of dopamine in the brain by about 100 percent…” In the decades since, companies have really honed the addictive power of tech. In fact, there are tech companies that exist just to study how to make device elicit the most response from our neurobiology. How can kids stand a chance?
Set Limits
I set clear limits around screens at our house and I made some reasonable requests at Grandpa’s. The trick is to set limits that don’t require you as a parent to become a watchdog or a broken record.
I asked Grandpa to only allow YouTube when he could watch with my son, and to report to me the names of the games he downloaded. This would limit the amount of time spent on YouTube, and ensure he wasn’t watching “professional gamers” play violent or creepy games. Now that I know what games are played, I can look them up and nix anything that is not child appropriate, which is actually about half of them!
At home, homework and chores have to be done before turning on any screens. My kid likes to outsmart us, so he quickly realized he could ignore the chores and just play and read instead. He showed us he didn’t need chores or games. Little did he know, the chores were not the most important thing to us. After a few months of voracious reading, I eventually set a few new rewards to encourage chore completion; dessert and a 15 minutes later bedtime.
I’ve observed this idea in our culture that boredom is something we need to save children from. I personally believe boredom to be the precipice of self discovery. At home, parents can make sure there are books, all kinds of creative materials, and a steady stream of exposure to new potential interests, either through the library, classes, or a parent’s own pursuits. Things like kits, games, arts, crafts, books, instruments, gardening and experimentation need to be available, along with enough downtime that a child will be bored enough to try them.
Blue light from phone, tablet, computer and television screens interfere with natural melatonin production that makes us sleepy at bedtime. It was only logical to set a no screens after dinnertime rule. We do a family movie night sometimes, which makes breaking this rule a fun occasion. It makes what we watch special, and the time is spent together. Also, the television is not right in our face, so I’d argue, the blue light exposure is minimal compared to a tablet placed 6 inches away from the eyes.
How to Set New Rules
It’s important to make new rules and limits known at a calm time well before they will be enforced. This way, when you enforce them, they are already expected, and meltdowns are reduced. I always like to explain the reason behind the new rule, and then ask my child what he will do instead. This way, when the time comes, not only is he expecting it; he has a plan for how he is going to handle the disappointment. Enforcing rules can be no fun sometimes, but it breeds a kind of trust that makes kids feel safe and taken care of. And as long as a child knows your boundaries are flexible, he will keep testing you.
Introduce Alternatives
We need alternatives to help us past our less desirous behaviors. Around the time I began scaling back the screens, my son asked to take piano lessons. I signed him up for piano and ju-jitsu. Tablets were naturally forgotten on these days, and piano playing provided a new way to pass the time. It wasn’t long after that we adopted our pet rats, and they provided an opportunity for real interactive joy in his day.
I began frequenting our local free libraries and keeping a small stack of “reward books” to hand my son for positive reinforcement of good behaviors. When he was compliant during all of his piano lesson, I’d hand him a book with a smile, “You stayed engaged and focused the whole lesson”- and wander off.
Strewing is something I picked up during our pandemic year of unschooling. Unschoolers use strewing to help their children discover new interests without pressure. Leave things for your child to discover in a noticeable spot, like the living room coffee table. What to strew? My local library offers science kits as well as book bundles on a variety of topics. I also keep an eye out on my local buy nothing group for kits and puzzles which we use for a while, and then re gift. Some of the most unexpected strews awaken interest. A book of human anatomy, with transparent pages of human body systems and a torn cover, is now a prized possession. A zany book of facts about the US awakened an interest in US Presidents and geography, which spread to an interest in the wider world- all while my son was just eight years old.
The Chore System
Chores should be age appropriate and challenging enough that you feel screen time has been earned. The chore system also helps kids work on developing the executive function tasks that screens may interfere with, like remembering to do things, and working out the steps necessary to complete a task. Chores have provided an opportunity for us to work on developing these skills in my son, who can spend all afternoon with his nose in a book. The trick is to teach kids to remember without reminders. As long as they can count on you for a reminder, they will logically see no reason to remember on their own. Some kids will be motivated by the screen time reward. Some will naturally self motivate eventually. In my house, we are working on visuals to help our child remember to do the things he needs.
What Does “Clean Your Room” Mean?
A lot of people begin telling their kids, as young as 3, to “clean your room”. But many kids don’t have perspective on the steps and tasks that are required to create a passable impression of clean. At age 5, my son was old enough to understand a list of tasks that he could complete to achieve a clean room. He liked this list and still keeps it on his bulletin board, years later.
- animals in bin
- Legos in lego box
- clothes in hamper
- games in closet
- trash in trashcan
- books on shelf
And so began clean your room Wednesdays, later joined by clean the rodent cage Mondays, and do your laundry Tuesdays. These chores are pretty complex, so we only have these 3 big chores for now. There are also 2 “daily chores” that have to be completed every day: practice piano and dump the rat litter box.
When my son is caught up on all of his chores, he is free to watch television or play games. As he doesn’t usually complete his chores before dinner, or even every day, he has grown unused to using screen regularly. Cured of the gaming habit he is almost always found reading, baking, playing with his toys or digging a hole in the yard– even when his chores are finished early.
The gentle removal of device cues, and the introduction of alternatives, chores, and limits have created a calm home life free from the battle over screen time. There is no more countdown until the TV or tablet is turned off, no more monologues about playing a video game, and no more of that screen induced agitation. We don’t have control over the availability of games at Grandpa’s house, but now that the gaming habit has been broken at home, our child has stopped racing to Grandpa’s computer the moment he opens the door. Screentime’s hold has been broken. I have my son back and he has his childhood.
Quick Screen Addiction Action Plan
Find an out of the way place to store screens
Make sure the tv isn’t the only thing to interact with in a room (add crayons and paper or books to the coffee table for some competition)
Make a list of hard limits to screen times (never in the car, after homework is done, etc.)
Long Term Screen Addiction Cure
Develop and support daily chores and one complex chore or activity for most day.
Assess your own screen use. Make sure you’re engaging with real life, too.
Discuss your personal interaction with screens and how it has negative impacts on your life.
Find new materials to “strew” in your home every weeks through library visits, mom group exchanges, or by perusing your own home for recipes, crafts and games.