Conserve your energy when you share the load
Dear friend,
I want to share how I use notes to help lighten my load. Sometimes, there are tasks that aren’t covered by our chore charts or scheduled clean times. Tasks that, for whatever reason, ADHD or the patriarchy, you are the one noticing and tending to and the person you live with is not. Notes allow you to distribute the labor with minimum extra labor, and they’re effective. Or, maybe you’re reading this as the person in the partnership who struggles with housekeeping and other executive function tasks. Here’s why notes work:
Dopamine motivates
The little note with a task is very effective for how some brains work. Many of us are chasing dopamine, and we can’t get this from a chore chart that never changes. But notes are always different, which makes them comparatively unexpected. This makes them more interesting, and the things written on them more likely to be done. I asked my husband how he feels about the notes and he said he likes it because it’s different every time, and he enjoys crossing tasks out. This actually makes completing the task more rewarding than if I’d asked in real time.
The note nags
My husband noted that he doesn’t forget what I’ve asked because the note is there to keep reminding him. When we have a verbal or signed conversation, the words vanish instantly. They are only a part of memory of the past. Recalling the past and assigning it weight in the present is a pretty complex mental task, and some people are not wired well for it. But a note stays in the present, reminding every time it is seen, until the task can be completed and the paper composted.
Note ease the load
When you’re the unlucky task master of the house, and you rely on conversation to ease the burden of your tasks, you’re actually adding two tasks to your load. 1. Remembering the task. 2. A conversation about the task. Broaching the subject and describing it and seeking the confirmation that the other person understands and accepts it often takes the time and effort that doing the task ourselves would, which doesn’t ease our load. Like our partner, notes are not perfect, but, they take less energy from us.
A note can sidestep an argument
What’s more draining than expending your energy to ask for participation in what should be shared labor? Getting into a row about it. It’s human nature to balk at being given a task. When it comes in via a note, that initial resistance or annoyance is a private thing between the reader and the paper. The paper is the messenger, and so the paper gets the blame. When the messenger is you, who are probably tired from doing things you wish they would notice, you catch that initial glimmer of resistance, and things usually go downhill from there.
How to use notes in your own home
You may want to let your partner know you will be trying notes to help with the division of labor. My partner is used to me trying new things all the time. You know your relationship, and whether to spring it on them or give a heads up. You can even let them know in a note.
Keep notes convenient
Keep sticky notes or other small pads with pens and pencil in a few places in the house. This way, one is nearby anytime you notice labor that needs to be allocated.
Any paper will do
I use a cute little notepad, like a sticky note, or actual sticky notes, or scrap paper, depending on where I am when inspiration strikes.
Place the notes where they will be seen
At our house, this is the place at the table where my husband eats or on his laptop keyboard.
How to write the notes
Keep the notes very businesslike, because this expends less of your energy, and also, keep them neutral. Notes are for dividing the unexpected labor, the stuff that isn’t on chore charts. However, sometimes, you will be writing down your partner’s forgotten responsibilities. Annoying as it may be, write it simply. If they respond to the notes, it will be less annoying.
A look at my notes
Yesterday I wrote “1. assemble large dog crate. 2. take photo & text to me”. Last weekend I wrote “1. sweep porch. 2. shake out porch tablecloth” and later I added “3. sweep kitchen & back room.”
But are notes equitable
No, probably not. Ideally, I wouldn’t need to write notes, and my husband would notice the tablecloth needs shaking (or even better, washing) and he’d think to list the dog crate on Craigslist. The fact is, as a society, we’re still in transition. Notes are a part of that transition.